He hardened his expression. If it were a matter of academic study, he had long memorized that specific question.
Baba’s wife said, “Malam, you were the one who drove them away yourself. Weren't they bound to go far away to find livelihood? At least their mother’s relatives know where she is, but as for Hafsa, who knows right now whether she is a woman alive or dead? Only God knows.”
Umar stood up and said, “If we are destined to meet again, we will meet.”
Baba said, “Umar, I am filled with regret for what I did. Truly, I believe I cursed Hafsa until destiny befell her. If I had been praying for her, she wouldn't have fallen into this state. Or will you put out a public search for her?”
Umar noticed that today, Baba was more frantic than ever regarding the matter of Hafsat, so he reassured him gently, saying, "Alright Baba, a search will be announced, don't worry." Baba replied, “Alright Umar, let a search be made. May Allah make it successful.”
Indeed, ever since his separation from Hafsat’s mother, he had faced various troubles. Illness had constantly plagued him, to the extent that he was admitted to the hospital twice. Umar was the one taking care of him through it all. Thankfully, their mother had convinced Baba to sell his motorcycle, and she added some money to it so he could buy a commercial bus to haul market goods from Rigasa.
Regret had completely consumed Baba now; since he lost his wife, his only hope was to find his daughter. During this period, Umar saw their mother's sister named Murja during a visit to Munanfashi. He expressed his feelings to her, and she agreed. Everything was finalized, the wedding was celebrated, and Umar rented a modest three-room house where he brought his younger siblings to live. Baba used to go out occasionally, but it reached a point where he could no longer step out at all, coupled with strict food rationing and a lack of money. Now, Baba had no desire greater than to see Hafsat. As for Umar, he often said he didn't even know where to look for Hafsat because he felt deep sorrow over what had happened. He believed Hafsat was the cause of their parents' separation. He didn't blame Baba at all; since she had acquired a sufficient level of education, they had still insisted she must attend university, and this was the consequence now.
On the other hand, Inna (the mother) was living peacefully in her husband’s house, blessed with two twin children. Whenever Umar visited, she would ask him if he had heard any news about Hafsa. Umar would reply, “Inna, stop talking about Hafsa; no one is going to go looking for her. She knows where we are. If we were in her heart the way she is in ours, she would have come back long ago, even if it meant we would kill her. Inna, you need to let this matter go for your own peace of mind. Look at how she brought shame upon you, ruined your dignity, and destroyed your marriage, just because you stood up for her to get modern exposure—meaning Western education. This is how she repaid you.”
Inna said, "I believe it was destiny that befell Hafsa. Now that she is gone, no one knows if she is alive or dead; perhaps she even died during childbirth." Umar replied, "Let’s just pray that Allah forgives her." Inna said, "Amen. But I blame myself the most. Because if I had conceded when your father said he didn't want her to pursue Western education, I wouldn't have lost my children by now, and she wouldn't have run away." Umar said, "Let’s leave all of this to destiny. Allah knows best the reason why this happened." Between her and her husband, there was mutual respect; she had wholeheartedly embraced his children alongside hers.
Abubakar returned home completely discouraged. Over the past few days, he had changed completely and lacked peace of mind. Ummi was the first in their household to notice this, and she kept pressing him to find out what his problem was. He told her, "You are too young to understand the situation I am in." She replied, "I will understand, Hamma (big brother)." He said, “Hafsat and I love each other, but there is a reason she believes will prevent our marriage, and I don’t know what that reason is. Keep your mouth shut; let no one in this house hear about this conversation.”
Ummi said, “Hamma, I believe you can overcome any obstacle that stands in the way of you marrying Anty Hafsa. Since you were able to convince Lamido to let you marry her—something even our parents couldn't dream of attempting—you are a hero, and you succeed in whatever you set your mind to. I feel it in my bones that you will marry Anty Hafsa.”
The sweetness of Ummi's words encouraged him deeply, to the extent that he gifted her the phone she had been pestering him for (which he had previously said he wouldn't give her until she finished secondary school). However, he needed to calm his mind further before discovering how to tackle the problem. When he told Hashim that Hafsat had refused and said she wouldn't marry him due to her own reasons, Hashim said, “Don't worry, we will go together and she will accept. But right now, what I want most is for you to settle down so our parents know you have accepted Fadi. For that reason, we are going for a courtship visit late tonight.”
From the office, he stopped by the supermarket where he bought cosmetics and treats to bring as gifts. When Fadi walked toward Abubakar, he fixed his eyes on her. Truthfully, she was beautiful, but he did not feel her in his heart the way he felt Hafsa. She sat down and they exchanged greetings. She asked, "Did you return safely?" He replied, "Very safely." Hashim said, "We just came to say a quick hello. But now, let me excuse myself so you and Yallabai (the boss/sir) can chat." Abubakar said, "Where are you going? As if we are going to spend a whole year here?" He didn't listen to Abubakar and walked out.
Fadi said, "Just because you don't love me, you say it's as if we're going to spend a year here? Well, as for me, I love you." He looked at her and asked, "Have you heard it from my own mouth that I don't love you?" She replied, “I haven't heard it, but I have felt how you keep trying to evade marrying me. For my part, every time I pray, I tell Allah to give me you as my husband, and look, He has answered. The day the marriage candy and date were brought to fix the wedding date, I couldn't sleep out of pure joy. I felt like if sleep took me over, I would wake up and find out it wasn't real.”
Abubakar nudged himself and stared at the ground. This particular behavior was among the traits he detested in women. It wasn't forbidden for a woman to say she loved a man, but at least she should wait for him to utter it first. That was why he loved Hafsa, because she possessed self-restraint. In his opinion, if a woman would openly come out to tell a man she loved him when he wasn't her husband, or if he came to declare his love and she accepted instantly without reservation, then she wasn't a complete woman in his eyes…
She interrupted him, saying, "I know that girl you are looking for in Kano is more beautiful than me, right?" He raised his head and said, "Please, let's talk about things that concern you and me. I don't want you bringing Hafsa into this." She fell silent for a moment, then said, "Alright, fine. Now, what preparations are we making? Our wedding needs to come with a new, impressive style within our extended family." He asked, "Oh, really?" She replied, "Very much so." He said, "Alright, write down everything you want done, and when I come next time, I'll look at it." He stood up and said, "I am going home, here is a little token for you." He pointed to the nylon bag. Thrilled, she said, "Wow, thank you! But are you really leaving already when we haven't even had a proper conversation?" He replied, “Some other time when I come, I'll stay longer.”
She escorted him to the front gate where Hashim was standing with Jamilu, Fadi's elder brother. He exchanged greetings with Jamilu, who began praising him, saying he was grateful for the struggle Abubakar put up against Lamido, through which he secured freedom for them. Abubakar said, "Oh! So you are happy too?" Jamilu replied, "Of course, because the girl my heart loves is not from our lineage. I fell in love with her in the South when we went for NYSC. May God bless you; after your wedding, I will voice my own matter." Abubakar said, “May Allah help us. As for us, we must leave.”
Two weeks after his visit to Kano, Lamido called him and said, "You know the time is drawing near, so you must state where the parents of that girl are so we can go and finalize things with them too." Sweat began to break out on Abubakar, but he managed to say, "Um... actually, her father went on a journey, that's why. But when he returns, I will let you know because he already knows about the matter, and they are ready." Lamido said, “Alright.”
He walked out filled with anxiety. He had to return to Kano tomorrow to pressure Hafsa, because he needed to know what she claimed would prevent their marriage. He called Hashim’s phone and said, "Get ready, tomorrow Friday we are going to Kano, and we will return on Sunday." Hashim replied, “Alright.”
As for me, ever since the day Abubakar left, I fell into a state of anguish and misery. I lost the tiny remnant of happiness left within me. I would go to school and work, but I couldn't eat anything. I only admitted to myself now that I truly loved Abubakar. Even Shadad bore his absence better than I did, despite how deeply they had bonded. Whenever I felt like calling the numbers he gave me, I would back out. I thought, *No, I better learn to discipline myself and train my heart to get used to his absence, lest I plunge too deep and suffer a heartbreak for nothing.* Because I knew no sensible man would marry me. Why, there were nights I spent entirely in tears. It wasn't the kind of crying I was used to; this was the crying of loving Abubakar.
Today marked two weeks since we last saw him. I would go into the classroom, and though my attention was directed at the teacher, by the time he finished, I couldn't recall a single word he had said. I was thinking of nothing but Abubakar Sadeek. I know I loved Munir in the past, but I never entered this kind of extreme emotional state. The things I felt for Abubakar were beyond description. This meant I hadn't truly loved Munir; I was merely playing foolish games. It was because of my naivety that I thought I loved him. In the end, he ruined me, and he didn't even love me—it was just lust. And because of what he did to me, I had now lost Abubakar Sadeek.
I didn't even realize when the class dismissed. Since I had neither a girlfriend nor a boyfriend at school, nobody paid attention to me. Because I always kept a stern face, those who initially wanted to approach me had long abandoned the idea due to my lack of approachability.
The ringing of my phone pulled me back from my deep thoughts. My body felt weak as I answered it. I knew it was Rahma, who had been insistently telling me since yesterday to come see her. Without checking the screen, I brought it to my ear. The voice that greeted me made me completely alert. Without realizing it, I stood straight up, replying, “Wa'alaikumus-salam.”
He asked, “Where are you?”
Suddenly, I found myself playing hard to get, asking, “Who is this?”
He quickly said, “Do you mean to say you don't recognize me?”
I said, “Yes.”
He replied, “Good! Tell me where you are so I can come find you.”
I countered, “I don't even know who it is, so how can I tell you where I am?”
He simply hung up the phone.
Immediately, I felt furious with myself. The very man I desperately longed to see with my own eyes, and now I had resorted to playing games. I quickly left and headed home, hoping or assuming he might be at our doorstep, and even intending to stop by and pick up Shadad. Seeing he wasn't there, I turned around with a heavy heart and went to Shadad's school, picked him up, and we headed home.
Hashim looked at Sagir and said, "You should come along with us too, so the three of us can win her over." Sagir replied, "To be honest, I feel intimidated by Hafsat. Besides, she respects me, and I don't want her to feel we are ganging up on her." Rahma urged, "Just brace yourself and go; perhaps seeing your face will make her soften up." Abubakar said, "Look, I know Hafsat loves me. The reason she keeps saying it won't let us marry is what I want to hear." Sagir said, "Alright, let's go then." They stood up while Abubakar grumbled that because of Hafsa's reserved nature, she claimed she didn't recognize him today. Hashim joked, "Man, this thing really hurt you! Who knows, maybe she genuinely didn't recognize the number?" Sagir added, "This shows you are the only one in love, and she doesn't love you as much as you think." Abubakar insisted, “She definitely loves me, but let's just go.”
Around 8:00 PM, Shadad had fallen asleep. We were on a mat in the courtyard. My heart felt hardened and my eyes were dry from overthinking. I kept whispering, "Oh Allah, is this truly what love feels like?" I sat up, stood up, and leaned against the wall, but found no comfort. My heart accused me, saying I was the one who threw away my chance—why did I pretend not to recognize him? Then another voice within me countered, *Stop putting yourself into trouble; he won't marry you anyway, you who had an out-of-wedlock pregnancy!!!*
I went back and lay down, tears trickling from the corners of my eyes down to my cheeks. Love is a disease. I wish I had never known Abubakar, wish I had never come to Kano, wish I had never attended Rahma's wedding.
A knock on the door jolted me back to reality. I quickly sprang up with the fervent hope that it was him. Barefoot, I rushed to the door and opened it without even asking who it was. Seeing him standing there made me let out a heavy sigh of relief, but then my defensive, reserved nature kicked in, and I said, “From where? Did you change your mind? Didn't you say you wouldn't come back?”
“Oh, so you're turning me away? Fine, let me go back.”
I quickly intervened, “I didn't say that! It is said a guest is a blessing from your Prophet, you may enter.”
He replied, “You and your attitude. Hashim, come on in.”
I spread out a mat for them and they sat down, while he sat on the mat close to Shadad, stroking the boy's head. I brought them water in a jug, found a small stool, and sat down. I greeted them and they responded, but he kept his eyes locked on me, staring despite the lack of electricity, relying only on the bright moonlight. He asked, “Aren't you going to greet me?”
I looked at him with a loving glare and lowered my head. He said, "I called you earlier and you claimed you didn't recognize me." I remained silent and didn't respond. He added, "See, Hashim? She recognized me." Sagir laughed, “Maybe she really didn't recognize you.”
Abubakar said, “Give me your full attention here. This is exactly why I brought my friends along to serve as witnesses. First of all, I love you, and I want you to give me an answer.”
She raised her head and he continued, “Hafsa, if you say you don't love me, it is no sin. If that's the case, let my love for you become my demise. But from this day onward, if you refuse to accept me, you will never see me again, not even in your dreams.”
My heart pounded frantically. I managed to say, “But I never said I don't love you.”
Hashim intervened, “Please Hafsa, let's be straightforward. Since you are mature and have been married before, we shouldn't play games with each other's feelings.”
Abubakar added, “It's a single question, Miss: do you love me?”
The one phrase Hashim uttered completely shattered my composure—*that I had been married before*. I wished I had actually been married before, because then I wouldn't be in this torment! I completely tuned out what Abubakar was saying. They all assumed I had been married and had a child; therefore, before I got into deep trouble, it was better to part ways with him, even if his love became my end. I had already broken away from my own parents, so what was he to me?
A sharp shout from him snapped me out of my thoughts. He snapped, "Do you take me for a fool? I am speaking to you and you keep quiet?" Hashim added, “Speak up, Hafsa.”
My voice began to tremble like someone about to cry. "Indeed, I love you to the extent that I cannot even describe the love I have for you…
Because your love consumed me at a time when I thought I had dug a deep grave, threw love into it, and buried it, hoping everyone would die and be at peace. But sadly, it resurfaced and caught up with me. In all fairness, Abubakar, I am not worthy of being your wife. Given your perfect character, do not seek to know the reason, and do not pressure me to tell you."
I buried my head between my knees and wept, the kind of heavy sobbing that makes the whole body shake. The house fell dead silent, as if no one was there.
Abubakar said, “Please calm down and save us from this confusion.”
Hashim added, “Servant of Allah, please calm down and explain everything to us. If you knew the depth of love this servant of Allah has for you, truly you wouldn't treat him this way. I am his friend and his blood relative; my father is his father's elder brother. We grew up together like twins. He knows my secrets and I know his. In all our years together, I have never heard him say he loves any of the girls who desperately throw themselves at him. I was eager to see the lucky woman.”
I looked at him and said, “I love him, and I would be incredibly happy to have a man like Abubakar become the father of my children, but alas!!!”
"But alas what?" Sagir urged, “For God's sake, brace yourself and tell us. Insha Allah, a way out will be found.”
I stood up. "It is not a matter of you marrying me; the moment you hear the problem... it is a secret I will tell you." I paused, took a deep breath, and resolved to tell them. “But I want to tell you, Abubakar, that I love you. And whenever you think of me, remember that I loved you, and I will continue to love you until the end of my life.”
I looked at Hashim and asked, “Would you want your brother to marry a prostitute? Someone who fled her parents' house because she got pregnant out of wedlock? Who went out into the world living on her own?”
Abubakar sprang up instantly and stammered, “Preg... pregnant out of what? Who? Do you mean you are a prostitute? That you had an out-of-wedlock pregnancy and gave birth to Shadad?”
I replied, “Yes, exactly. I got pregnant.”
Before I knew what was happening, I felt a devastating slap land on my face, causing my vision to go temporarily dark. He spat out, "Curse the day you were born! You wronged me by letting me fall in love with you. Allah will judge between us!" He stormed out furiously. Sagir and Hashim rushed out after him.
Shadad woke up in shock due to the loud crying I burst into. I collapsed heavily onto the floor. He came and threw himself into my arms, and we wept together as I repeated, *"Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un. Allahumma ajirni fi musibati wa'akhlifni khairan minha"* (To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allah, reward me in my affliction and replace it with something better).
We cried until we could cry no more, and eventually, Shadad fell back asleep. As for me, a severe fever instantly took over my body, and my tears refused to stop drying. This was exactly what I dreaded—parting ways with Abubakar, and now it had happened. Oh Allah! How did I even end up telling him the story in such a clumsy way?
Before morning, I couldn't even move due to the fever and a splitting headache. My face was severely swollen from the slap Abubakar gave me and from all the crying. We spent the night in the house without me even being able to slide the door latch shut due to the agonizing pain.
At dawn, I could barely manage to stand up and perform ablution; I performed my prayer while seated. Shadad only prayed as well, because
He hardened his expression. If it were a matter of academic study, he had long memorized that specific question.
Baba’s wife said, “Malam, you were the one who drove them away yourself. Weren't they bound to go far away to find livelihood? At least their mother’s relatives know where she is, but as for Hafsa, who knows right now whether she is a woman alive or dead? Only God knows.”
Umar stood up and said, “If we are destined to meet again, we will meet.”
Baba said, “Umar, I am filled with regret for what I did. Truly, I believe I cursed Hafsa until destiny befell her. If I had been praying for her, she wouldn't have fallen into this state. Or will you put out a public search for her?”
Umar noticed that today, Baba was more frantic than ever regarding the matter of Hafsat, so he reassured him gently, saying, "Alright Baba, a search will be announced, don't worry." Baba replied, “Alright Umar, let a search be made. May Allah make it successful.”
Indeed, ever since his separation from Hafsat’s mother, he had faced various troubles. Illness had constantly plagued him, to the extent that he was admitted to the hospital twice. Umar was the one taking care of him through it all. Thankfully, their mother had convinced Baba to sell his motorcycle, and she added some money to it so he could buy a commercial bus to haul market goods from Rigasa.
Regret had completely consumed Baba now; since he lost his wife, his only hope was to find his daughter. During this period, Umar saw their mother's sister named Murja during a visit to Munanfashi. He expressed his feelings to her, and she agreed. Everything was finalized, the wedding was celebrated, and Umar rented a modest three-room house where he brought his younger siblings to live. Baba used to go out occasionally, but it reached a point where he could no longer step out at all, coupled with strict food rationing and a lack of money. Now, Baba had no desire greater than to see Hafsat. As for Umar, he often said he didn't even know where to look for Hafsat because he felt deep sorrow over what had happened. He believed Hafsat was the cause of their parents' separation. He didn't blame Baba at all; since she had acquired a sufficient level of education, they had still insisted she must attend university, and this was the consequence now.
On the other hand, Inna (the mother) was living peacefully in her husband’s house, blessed with two twin children. Whenever Umar visited, she would ask him if he had heard any news about Hafsa. Umar would reply, “Inna, stop talking about Hafsa; no one is going to go looking for her. She knows where we are. If we were in her heart the way she is in ours, she would have come back long ago, even if it meant we would kill her. Inna, you need to let this matter go for your own peace of mind. Look at how she brought shame upon you, ruined your dignity, and destroyed your marriage, just because you stood up for her to get modern exposure—meaning Western education. This is how she repaid you.”
Inna said, "I believe it was destiny that befell Hafsa. Now that she is gone, no one knows if she is alive or dead; perhaps she even died during childbirth." Umar replied, "Let’s just pray that Allah forgives her." Inna said, "Amen. But I blame myself the most. Because if I had conceded when your father said he didn't want her to pursue Western education, I wouldn't have lost my children by now, and she wouldn't have run away." Umar said, "Let’s leave all of this to destiny. Allah knows best the reason why this happened." Between her and her husband, there was mutual respect; she had wholeheartedly embraced his children alongside hers.
Abubakar returned home completely discouraged. Over the past few days, he had changed completely and lacked peace of mind. Ummi was the first in their household to notice this, and she kept pressing him to find out what his problem was. He told her, "You are too young to understand the situation I am in." She replied, "I will understand, Hamma (big brother)." He said, “Hafsat and I love each other, but there is a reason she believes will prevent our marriage, and I don’t know what that reason is. Keep your mouth shut; let no one in this house hear about this conversation.”
Ummi said, “Hamma, I believe you can overcome any obstacle that stands in the way of you marrying Anty Hafsa. Since you were able to convince Lamido to let you marry her—something even our parents couldn't dream of attempting—you are a hero, and you succeed in whatever you set your mind to. I feel it in my bones that you will marry Anty Hafsa.”
The sweetness of Ummi's words encouraged him deeply, to the extent that he gifted her the phone she had been pestering him for (which he had previously said he wouldn't give her until she finished secondary school). However, he needed to calm his mind further before discovering how to tackle the problem. When he told Hashim that Hafsat had refused and said she wouldn't marry him due to her own reasons, Hashim said, “Don't worry, we will go together and she will accept. But right now, what I want most is for you to settle down so our parents know you have accepted Fadi. For that reason, we are going for a courtship visit late tonight.”
From the office, he stopped by the supermarket where he bought cosmetics and treats to bring as gifts. When Fadi walked toward Abubakar, he fixed his eyes on her. Truthfully, she was beautiful, but he did not feel her in his heart the way he felt Hafsa. She sat down and they exchanged greetings. She asked, "Did you return safely?" He replied, "Very safely." Hashim said, "We just came to say a quick hello. But now, let me excuse myself so you and Yallabai (the boss/sir) can chat." Abubakar said, "Where are you going? As if we are going to spend a whole year here?" He didn't listen to Abubakar and walked out.
Fadi said, "Just because you don't love me, you say it's as if we're going to spend a year here? Well, as for me, I love you." He looked at her and asked, "Have you heard it from my own mouth that I don't love you?" She replied, “I haven't heard it, but I have felt how you keep trying to evade marrying me. For my part, every time I pray, I tell Allah to give me you as my husband, and look, He has answered. The day the marriage candy and date were brought to fix the wedding date, I couldn't sleep out of pure joy. I felt like if sleep took me over, I would wake up and find out it wasn't real.”
Abubakar nudged himself and stared at the ground. This particular behavior was among the traits he detested in women. It wasn't forbidden for a woman to say she loved a man, but at least she should wait for him to utter it first. That was why he loved Hafsa, because she possessed self-restraint. In his opinion, if a woman would openly come out to tell a man she loved him when he wasn't her husband, or if he came to declare his love and she accepted instantly without reservation, then she wasn't a complete woman in his eyes…
She interrupted him, saying, "I know that girl you are looking for in Kano is more beautiful than me, right?" He raised his head and said, "Please, let's talk about things that concern you and me. I don't want you bringing Hafsa into this." She fell silent for a moment, then said, "Alright, fine. Now, what preparations are we making? Our wedding needs to come with a new, impressive style within our extended family." He asked, "Oh, really?" She replied, "Very much so." He said, "Alright, write down everything you want done, and when I come next time, I'll look at it." He stood up and said, "I am going home, here is a little token for you." He pointed to the nylon bag. Thrilled, she said, "Wow, thank you! But are you really leaving already when we haven't even had a proper conversation?" He replied, “Some other time when I come, I'll stay longer.”
She escorted him to the front gate where Hashim was standing with Jamilu, Fadi's elder brother. He exchanged greetings with Jamilu, who began praising him, saying he was grateful for the struggle Abubakar put up against Lamido, through which he secured freedom for them. Abubakar said, "Oh! So you are happy too?" Jamilu replied, "Of course, because the girl my heart loves is not from our lineage. I fell in love with her in the South when we went for NYSC. May God bless you; after your wedding, I will voice my own matter." Abubakar said, “May Allah help us. As for us, we must leave.”
Two weeks after his visit to Kano, Lamido called him and said, "You know the time is drawing near, so you must state where the parents of that girl are so we can go and finalize things with them too." Sweat began to break out on Abubakar, but he managed to say, "Um... actually, her father went on a journey, that's why. But when he returns, I will let you know because he already knows about the matter, and they are ready." Lamido said, “Alright.”
He walked out filled with anxiety. He had to return to Kano tomorrow to pressure Hafsa, because he needed to know what she claimed would prevent their marriage. He called Hashim’s phone and said, "Get ready, tomorrow Friday we are going to Kano, and we will return on Sunday." Hashim replied, “Alright.”
As for me, ever since the day Abubakar left, I fell into a state of anguish and misery. I lost the tiny remnant of happiness left within me. I would go to school and work, but I couldn't eat anything. I only admitted to myself now that I truly loved Abubakar. Even Shadad bore his absence better than I did, despite how deeply they had bonded. Whenever I felt like calling the numbers he gave me, I would back out. I thought, *No, I better learn to discipline myself and train my heart to get used to his absence, lest I plunge too deep and suffer a heartbreak for nothing.* Because I knew no sensible man would marry me. Why, there were nights I spent entirely in tears. It wasn't the kind of crying I was used to; this was the crying of loving Abubakar.
Today marked two weeks since we last saw him. I would go into the classroom, and though my attention was directed at the teacher, by the time he finished, I couldn't recall a single word he had said. I was thinking of nothing but Abubakar Sadeek. I know I loved Munir in the past, but I never entered this kind of extreme emotional state. The things I felt for Abubakar were beyond description. This meant I hadn't truly loved Munir; I was merely playing foolish games. It was because of my naivety that I thought I loved him. In the end, he ruined me, and he didn't even love me—it was just lust. And because of what he did to me, I had now lost Abubakar Sadeek.
I didn't even realize when the class dismissed. Since I had neither a girlfriend nor a boyfriend at school, nobody paid attention to me. Because I always kept a stern face, those who initially wanted to approach me had long abandoned the idea due to my lack of approachability.
The ringing of my phone pulled me back from my deep thoughts. My body felt weak as I answered it. I knew it was Rahma, who had been insistently telling me since yesterday to come see her. Without checking the screen, I brought it to my ear. The voice that greeted me made me completely alert. Without realizing it, I stood straight up, replying, “Wa'alaikumus-salam.”
He asked, “Where are you?”
Suddenly, I found myself playing hard to get, asking, “Who is this?”
He quickly said, “Do you mean to say you don't recognize me?”
I said, “Yes.”
He replied, “Good! Tell me where you are so I can come find you.”
I countered, “I don't even know who it is, so how can I tell you where I am?”
He simply hung up the phone.
Immediately, I felt furious with myself. The very man I desperately longed to see with my own eyes, and now I had resorted to playing games. I quickly left and headed home, hoping or assuming he might be at our doorstep, and even intending to stop by and pick up Shadad. Seeing he wasn't there, I turned around with a heavy heart and went to Shadad's school, picked him up, and we headed home.
Hashim looked at Sagir and said, "You should come along with us too, so the three of us can win her over." Sagir replied, "To be honest, I feel intimidated by Hafsat. Besides, she respects me, and I don't want her to feel we are ganging up on her." Rahma urged, "Just brace yourself and go; perhaps seeing your face will make her soften up." Abubakar said, "Look, I know Hafsat loves me. The reason she keeps saying it won't let us marry is what I want to hear." Sagir said, "Alright, let's go then." They stood up while Abubakar grumbled that because of Hafsa's reserved nature, she claimed she didn't recognize him today. Hashim joked, "Man, this thing really hurt you! Who knows, maybe she genuinely didn't recognize the number?" Sagir added, "This shows you are the only one in love, and she doesn't love you as much as you think." Abubakar insisted, “She definitely loves me, but let's just go.”
Around 8:00 PM, Shadad had fallen asleep. We were on a mat in the courtyard. My heart felt hardened and my eyes were dry from overthinking. I kept whispering, "Oh Allah, is this truly what love feels like?" I sat up, stood up, and leaned against the wall, but found no comfort. My heart accused me, saying I was the one who threw away my chance—why did I pretend not to recognize him? Then another voice within me countered, *Stop putting yourself into trouble; he won't marry you anyway, you who had an out-of-wedlock pregnancy!!!*
I went back and lay down, tears trickling from the corners of my eyes down to my cheeks. Love is a disease. I wish I had never known Abubakar, wish I had never come to Kano, wish I had never attended Rahma's wedding.
A knock on the door jolted me back to reality. I quickly sprang up with the fervent hope that it was him. Barefoot, I rushed to the door and opened it without even asking who it was. Seeing him standing there made me let out a heavy sigh of relief, but then my defensive, reserved nature kicked in, and I said, “From where? Did you change your mind? Didn't you say you wouldn't come back?”
“Oh, so you're turning me away? Fine, let me go back.”
I quickly intervened, “I didn't say that! It is said a guest is a blessing from your Prophet, you may enter.”
He replied, “You and your attitude. Hashim, come on in.”
I spread out a mat for them and they sat down, while he sat on the mat close to Shadad, stroking the boy's head. I brought them water in a jug, found a small stool, and sat down. I greeted them and they responded, but he kept his eyes locked on me, staring despite the lack of electricity, relying only on the bright moonlight. He asked, “Aren't you going to greet me?”
I looked at him with a loving glare and lowered my head. He said, "I called you earlier and you claimed you didn't recognize me." I remained silent and didn't respond. He added, "See, Hashim? She recognized me." Sagir laughed, “Maybe she really didn't recognize you.”
Abubakar said, “Give me your full attention here. This is exactly why I brought my friends along to serve as witnesses. First of all, I love you, and I want you to give me an answer.”
She raised her head and he continued, “Hafsa, if you say you don't love me, it is no sin. If that's the case, let my love for you become my demise. But from this day onward, if you refuse to accept me, you will never see me again, not even in your dreams.”
My heart pounded frantically. I managed to say, “But I never said I don't love you.”
Hashim intervened, “Please Hafsa, let's be straightforward. Since you are mature and have been married before, we shouldn't play games with each other's feelings.”
Abubakar added, “It's a single question, Miss: do you love me?”
The one phrase Hashim uttered completely shattered my composure—*that I had been married before*. I wished I had actually been married before, because then I wouldn't be in this torment! I completely tuned out what Abubakar was saying. They all assumed I had been married and had a child; therefore, before I got into deep trouble, it was better to part ways with him, even if his love became my end. I had already broken away from my own parents, so what was he to me?
A sharp shout from him snapped me out of my thoughts. He snapped, "Do you take me for a fool? I am speaking to you and you keep quiet?" Hashim added, “Speak up, Hafsa.”
My voice began to tremble like someone about to cry. "Indeed, I love you to the extent that I cannot even describe the love I have for you…
Because your love consumed me at a time when I thought I had dug a deep grave, threw love into it, and buried it, hoping everyone would die and be at peace. But sadly, it resurfaced and caught up with me. In all fairness, Abubakar, I am not worthy of being your wife. Given your perfect character, do not seek to know the reason, and do not pressure me to tell you."
I buried my head between my knees and wept, the kind of heavy sobbing that makes the whole body shake. The house fell dead silent, as if no one was there.
Abubakar said, “Please calm down and save us from this confusion.”
Hashim added, “Servant of Allah, please calm down and explain everything to us. If you knew the depth of love this servant of Allah has for you, truly you wouldn't treat him this way. I am his friend and his blood relative; my father is his father's elder brother. We grew up together like twins. He knows my secrets and I know his. In all our years together, I have never heard him say he loves any of the girls who desperately throw themselves at him. I was eager to see the lucky woman.”
I looked at him and said, “I love him, and I would be incredibly happy to have a man like Abubakar become the father of my children, but alas!!!”
"But alas what?" Sagir urged, “For God's sake, brace yourself and tell us. Insha Allah, a way out will be found.”
I stood up. "It is not a matter of you marrying me; the moment you hear the problem... it is a secret I will tell you." I paused, took a deep breath, and resolved to tell them. “But I want to tell you, Abubakar, that I love you. And whenever you think of me, remember that I loved you, and I will continue to love you until the end of my life.”
I looked at Hashim and asked, “Would you want your brother to marry a prostitute? Someone who fled her parents' house because she got pregnant out of wedlock? Who went out into the world living on her own?”
Abubakar sprang up instantly and stammered, “Preg... pregnant out of what? Who? Do you mean you are a prostitute? That you had an out-of-wedlock pregnancy and gave birth to Shadad?”
I replied, “Yes, exactly. I got pregnant.”
Before I knew what was happening, I felt a devastating slap land on my face, causing my vision to go temporarily dark. He spat out, "Curse the day you were born! You wronged me by letting me fall in love with you. Allah will judge between us!" He stormed out furiously. Sagir and Hashim rushed out after him.
Shadad woke up in shock due to the loud crying I burst into. I collapsed heavily onto the floor. He came and threw himself into my arms, and we wept together as I repeated, *"Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un. Allahumma ajirni fi musibati wa'akhlifni khairan minha"* (To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allah, reward me in my affliction and replace it with something better).
We cried until we could cry no more, and eventually, Shadad fell back asleep. As for me, a severe fever instantly took over my body, and my tears refused to stop drying. This was exactly what I dreaded—parting ways with Abubakar, and now it had happened. Oh Allah! How did I even end up telling him the story in such a clumsy way?
Before morning, I couldn't even move due to the fever and a splitting headache. My face was severely swollen from the slap Abubakar gave me and from all the crying. We spent the night in the house without me even being able to slide the door latch shut due to the agonizing pain.
At dawn, I could barely manage to stand up and perform ablution; I performed my prayer while seated. Shadad only prayed as well, because